Northward Bound
by GiantInflatableWalrus
Summary: He didn't want those hands anywhere near him, but he knew he wouldn't survive without them. Meaningless caresses and kisses serving only to keep him from thinking, to keep him distracted and ensure his mind didn't stray. RLSB-ish. Rated for Language.


**Happy new year chappies, hope 2011 is proving to be rather splendid so far! **

**This is just a little something that's been under construction for a while now. **

**Disclaimer: All the usual applies. **

* * *

He didn't want those hands anywhere near him, but he knew he wouldn't survive without them. Meaningless caresses and kisses serving only to keep him from thinking, to keep him distracted and ensure his mind didn't stray beyond the four walls of the grey room.

The bedroom wasn't actually grey, but he was seeing rainclouds and stormy skies everywhere now, the colours fading to a tired, washed out hue. That didn't go just because someone was holding him. There were no whispered confessions of love afterwards; that was why they were running, burrowing under the covers and hiding from – love. Love and rejection and happiness and life.

Remus felt the hands slip from around his waist, and felt no regret at the loss of the superficial warmth. The sound of bare feet on bare wooden floors echoed through the bare room, leaving him in silence. This was how he learnt the difference between 'Peace & Quiet' and 'Silence'; lying in someone else's bed, in a house so devoid of life and sound he couldn't think. The silence deafened him and chased away all reasonable thought – and in a way, that was why he was there. The only things left to focus on were a dull aching in his chest and an image ingrained into his thoughts, brought to the surface of his foggy mind when his conscience rebelled against him. Black hair brushing shoulders, grey eyes and the perfectly curved mouth laughing at an unknown joke. And _that _was why he was really here.

He was making tea and toast when Remus eventually hauled himself from the bed and negotiated his way into yesterday's clothes. He was a nice bloke by all accounts – not unattractive, reasonably well off with an agreeable personality. But he wasn't a friend. Brown eyes flicked from the kettle as Remus stepped into the large kitchen.

'Tea?' He asked, gesturing his head towards the kettle – shaggy mop of light brown hair shifting with the motion. Remus shook his head, standing stiffly by the fridge.

'No, thank you. I have to be off' he said awkwardly, turning slightly to indicate the front door. 'Stuff to do, people to see … you know …'

He nodded with a slight frown, surveying his _guest. '_Is everything okay, Remus?' he asked, leaning back against the counter top. Remus began to nod the affirmative, before stopping midway. Nothing was okay – he was fucking a near complete stranger because his life was a shambles, the man he loved was out of reach to him and he needed to find some meaning somewhere, or else what was the point?

'Everything's fine' he said instead with a tight smile 'I'll call you tomorrow or … something. Thanks' he added with a slightly warmer smile, before leaving the house with the few tatters of dignity he had left.

* * *

They'd met on a train heading North, two slightly battered souls being whisked up the country – his travelling companion sat opposite staring sightlessly out of the grubby window, all other passengers sleeping or reading. The conversation was started by him, Remus replying politely and keeping himself guarded.

'Where you headed?' He asked, brown eyes circled in blue through lack of sleep.

'Edinburgh' Remus said quietly 'You?'

'Same' he smiled 'You live up there?'

'No' Remus said, before pausing 'Well, yes – sort of, I suppose, it's … complicated'

He smiled and nodded, the lines around his eyes showing years of experience in 'it's a long story' and 'complicated'.

'It's a long train journey' he said, shifting in his seat to get comfortable. 'Go for it'

And so he did.

* * *

The next time he found himself in the stranger's bed, the goalposts had moved. The next time Remus was drowning, clinging to something flimsy and weather beaten.

'Staying for breakfast this time?' he asked evenly. He didn't care much whether he did or not, but it seem polite and proper to ask. Though, how consideration of what was 'polite' and 'proper' came into play, they weren't sure.

'No' Remus said, face grey and eyes outlined in startling circles. 'No. Listen-' he began awkwardly, moving to sit at the large table in the centre of the kitchen. 'Thank you. I don't know if I'll be back again. But if I'm not, then thank you'

He nodded as though he understood, as though the words were not vague at all and nothing about the situation was odd.

'I hope you do come back. Good luck' he said simply, smiling before returning to cutting up a grapefruit.

* * *

He considered going home and changing his clothes, having a shower and a shave. Then he decided there was no need, and carried on walking. He passed people he'd never met before on the street, people he had never spoken to – but everyone looked familiar, everyone prompted a second look.

And then he was there. Stood outside the tiny little café on the corner by the train station. He'd been in a hundred times before, but had never really stopped to look at it. To take in the minor details – the way the paint was peeling from the sign over the door, the irritating squeak of the metal sign.

He'd never noticed the details before, because he'd never hesitated in going in.

Walking through the door, sending the tiny bell above tinkling into life, he felt the two halves of his life crashing together with deadly force. He wasn't sure that the warm, cosy aspects of his former life sat in the café could quite cope with the mild grubbiness of his current situation. And in a way, he wanted to see his past buckle and quake. He wanted cracks to spread across the happy, lazy days. But instead there was just one man sat at small wooden table, tapping his fingers and staring into the depths of a filtered coffee. It wouldn't take much to make him buckle and break.

He sat down, without a word. They didn't need words, every moment and unvoiced thought of the last three months were clearly ingrained in the grey hairs, dishevelled clothes and rough stubble.

'Remus …' he began, reaching a hand forward before thinking better of it, and pulling them back into his lap. He was still looking at the table top, while Remus just stared at him.

'I don't know what to say' he muttered, running a hand through his hair.

'You came all the way up here to tell me that?' His voice was harsher than he had intended, but he did not regret that wince that flashed across his face. He was hurting, but not for the right reasons. He was in pain because he was alone, because he felt guilty. Sirius Black had hauled himself to Edinburgh to ease his guilt, little else.

'I'm so sorry' he said it quietly, looking straight at Remus for the first time 'What I said … I didn't mean it'

Remus smirked and leant forwards '"Get out, Moony – I don't want you near me'"

Sirius went pale, eyes widening 'I know, I know – but I didn't know what I was saying. I was drunk'

'Oh well, that's all right then.' He wasn't content to see him buckle. He wanted to see him destroyed.

'My brother had just died' he said calmly.

'And weren't we sympathetic?' Remus demanded. 'Did we not help? How many nights did I sit up with you while you either sobbed yourself hoarse or drank yourself unconscious'

'I know' he sighed, dragging his hands over his face before slumping back into his chair 'You're right. You're always right Moony, and I always get it wrong'

'And I always take you back' Remus said 'and then you do something stupid. Again'

'Sirius, this has to stop. I'm meant to be your partner, not your supervisor. Go back to London; go back to Lily and James. Just go ' With that he stood, heading for the glass panelled door which lead to his new life.

'I love you'

The conversations on the neighbouring tables faltered slightly, a few polite coughs and a muffled snigger could be heard before they returned to their chattering, one ear almost certainly upon the fiasco happening on the next table.

'If you loved me, then why did it take you three months to find me?'

He knew there would be no answer. Sirius would just sit there dumbly, cogs whirring but no suitable response would be found. So he left, this time with a confident pace slamming the door back on its hinges firmly, before retracing his steps back past the station, looking at no one.

* * *

He was better off without Sirius, undeniably. Less trouble, less havoc – far fewer flippant and thoughtless comments that would cause harm. And yet, the urge to turn on his heel and march back into the café, shout at him, then give in and forgive him was overwhelming.

Before the walk had time to soothe his mind, he was storming up a set of concrete garden steps, and hammering on the green front door. As the door was drawn open from inside Remus launched forwards, forcing the figure back into the hallway to lean against the wall. Threading long fingers through the shaggy mop of brown hair, Remus felt only the smallest flicker of guilt as he forced their mouths together. This was his lifeline now, his only safe refuge from reality.

'Want to talk about it?' his non-friend gasped as they drew apart, the frenzied, desperate kiss ending only to take in much needed oxygen.

'No' Remus growled, kicking the door closed with his foot before returning to his pursuit of distraction and a chance to forget everything.

Had he turned back, given Sirius one last thought, he would have known. He would have seen the forlorn, broken man trailing him through the streets. He would have seen him staring blankly ahead as Remus barged into the house, throwing himself at someone else. Had he looked back, Remus probably would have seen Sirius' heart break.  


* * *

  
**Ta da! Written very slwoly over about two months (About a line at a time, I think). A second chapter is in the works, and may even be finished & published at some point in the not-too distant future. All reviews, of any nature, are much loved and appreciated. Ta ta for now! **


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